Laugh? I nearly bought a round...

Since I'm finding this 'wondering' state somewhat torturous, I thought I'd lighten the mood with three punchy jokes. I have my own favourite, but would be interested to know what my friends around the blogosphere think, in a not-so-scientific test on humour...

1) Bloke threw a block of cheese at me.
I said to him, "That's not very mature."

2) Sausage and an egg in a frying pan...
Sausage says to the egg, "Hot in 'ere, innit, mate?"
Egg replies, "Bloody'ell, a talking sausage!"

3) Two birds sat on a perch. One asks the other, "Can you smell fish?"

What? Don't give up the day job, Col? Okay, but let me know your favourite, so I can re-visit the lab and assess the results. :)

Eastern Standard Crime is back... plus a few musings...

Geoff Eighinger is re-opening Eastern Standard Crime on October 1st. I have fond memories of the site, as my short FORUM OF FURY was given a very positive review there once upon a time. Plus, several writer friends received acclaim for their stories on the likes of Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers and A Twist Of Noir. I recall TKnC actually winning a 'Bullet Award' from ESC in August 2009, as did, the somewhat stunned, David Barber for one of his first published stories, SORRY LOVE. I blogged about it here on TKnC.

However, to avoid the burnout that saw Geoff close the site last year, he will be only reviewing crime novels from North American writers (sighs). Who knows, he may branch out to the Brits one day (hint, hint, Geoff).

To diverge, may I thank all my blog friends who chose to spread the word about my recent good news of earning representation from highly-respected New York agent, Nat Sobel.

Also, I had a lovely surprise earlier in the week when EVEN MORE TONTO SHORT STORIES slapped onto the hallway mat. It contains my first ever story in print, the gritty, no-nonsense, MOPPING UP - which introduces characters from my crime novel, including Detective Inspector Jack Striker. In a welcome twist of fate, I'm honoured to be sharing the pages with Matt Hilton, whose story THE SKIN WE'RE IN is well worth a nosey.

Thanks, too, to Matt Hilton, who assisted me with my crime postings over at TKnC, as I've been particularly busy lately. There has been a flurry of posts recently and you may have missed some excellent stories, including some cracking debuts, so why not check out the last dozen or so? You won't be disappointed. And please let the writers know what you thought, constructively! http://thrillskillsnchills.blogspot.com/
I'm rambling, so catch you soon... hopefully with good news on my crime novel, which is doing the rounds...

Regards,
Col

Hooking up, with a trio of writer buds...

Recently I took a hard-earned break and headed up to Scotland to spend some time with my long-time writing bud, David Barber. It was great to finally see where Dave and his lovely family lived, and to take in the stunning scenery up in 'the heart of Scotland'. The snapshot (top left) was taken a stone's throw from Dave's home. And, despite Dave positioning himself, on that rock, to look taller than I, we all know the truth. The cool dude at the front is my lad. It seemed fitting to celebrate the finishing of my crime novel and the good news on the agent front, with my old school pal. We had a damn good laugh, 'chewed the fat' about writing, and I sampled not only a few bottles of a dark Scottish ale, but also Dave's age-old whisky. Needless to say, I can't recall much else of my trip!However, one place I couldn't forget was Loch Lubnaig, where Dave says he beat me at skimming stones. Funny how every time I did a 'sixer' or 'niner' he seemed to be looking away, so it didn't count. Dave 'n' Lisa took us all over the place during our short stay... to several lochs, water falls, castles, a wildlife park, and Rob Roy's grave, to name a few. And our kids got on just great. One thing's for sure: we'll be back again next year.
On our return I couldn't possibly miss out on hooking up with a man who's been not only a great mate, but also an inspiration to me, and many other aspiring writers... thriller author, Matt Hilton. We met in Carlisle and, as a thank you for all his support, I bought him 'dinner'. We celebrated my recent good news in true northern style... with a cappuccino at McDonalds! (The champagne's on ice - just hope it dunt melt).
Then we were off again, eastwards, to a family wedding in Lincoln, which was thoroughly enjoyable. However, since the kids wanted to see The Humber Bridge, and I wanted to meet up with another writing bud, we took the scenic route home, and headed for Hull... Nick Quantrill territory...
Hands up if you've ever played football on the shores of the The Humber with a crime novelist... Yep, Nick, me lad 'n' I did just that, as we had a good old chinwag about this writing lark and the (mis)fortunes of our respective footy teams: Hull and Manchester City. At 1.4 miles long, the Humber Bridge is mightily impressive, akin to the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. But I think that's where the similarities with Hull end! Nuff said.

It was great to see Dave, Matt 'n' Nick, three better lads you couldn't wish to meet.

Ps. 'Stuff' is happening re' the novel, but I'm frankly too scared to tempt fate. It's somewhat surreal, as I'm at the 'wondering' stage in a kind of torturous limbo...

BLOG-FLASH...New York agent, Nat Sobel, has 'signed up' little old me...!!!

But things could've been so very different...

Around October 2009 I heard from A Twist Of Noir Editor, Christopher Grant, that a powerhouse in the publishing world was hunting on the internet for new talent. I believe Chris put forward a few names, and, being the type of genuine guy who looks out for his mates, Chris kindly pointed Nat Sobel in the direction of Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers. Matt Hilton gave me the heads up that Nat Sobel had described my writing as 'impressive' and informed me to expect an email. Gulp, I thought, recalling what Nat had done for Stuart Neville and The Ghosts of Belfast.

Now then, obviously the tingle of excitement was there, but I heard absolutely nothing for a few weeks, yet there were rumbles in the blogosphere that other writers had been invited to send stuff to Nat.

Then it struck me like a slap in the face...

While co-editing TKnC, Matt 'n' I were receiving lots of spam per day, as our emails were on the site for all to see 'n' abuse... I had deleted Nat Sobel's email!

Had I blown my big chance before it had begun? In early November I wrote Nat an email designed to resurrect my chances, and thankfully, he requested the first pages of my crime novel. However, those pages changed several times, with Nat looking for 'improvement'. I later sent him the whole novel and he suggested many, many changes.

By early 2010, when Nat asked me to basically start from scratch, my head nearly popped! It was very heavy going, but I soldiered on, and re-sent it. When many more changes were suggested it nearly sent me under! If I change that bit, then that bit doesn't make sense... I was tired from work... the kids kept interrupting me... the dog kept interrupting me... the wife kept interrupting me... sleep kept inter'... you get the message. My family have been brilliant throughout and I sincerely appreciate their patience.

I did the changes, and noticed the novel was taking shape and reading better. A couple of months ago, I sent off draft three. The waits in between each draft being sent were torturous. Expecting a, 'No, you're shit really, and this was a big mistake.' It came back requiring more edits... so I did them, wondering when I'd actually reach a point when it would be good enough.

Last night at 3.00 am (I write better at night) my email pinged with Nat's response to draft four... That tingle of excited again... "...It seems to me that you have done all the work I’ve asked for... We are going forward... My plans for the novel are... ...I can’t guarantee publication, but I am going to really try...."

I didn't cry (okay there was a solitary tear, but don't tell Nat!), but my relief was tangible.

Nothing has happened yet, I know, but big steps have been taken on this steep learning curve, and I am honoured to be represented by someone as experienced and professional as Nat Sobel. And it's fair to say that he squeezed this novel out of me.

I would like to thank all my friends in the blogosphere for your support and encouragement, in particular those I'm in daily contact with - you know who you are.

Also a big shout to Chris Grant for the fateful role he played. And who says networking doesn't work?

The moral of the story is... check your spam before clicking delete!

Regards,
Col

Ps. Off to Scotland for a few days for a rest :)

Proof of stamina...my crime novel... 'completed', at last.

After twenty years of spasmodically learning my craft, last Sunday - August 8th - saw a huge, psychological milestone reached for little old me... the completion of the crime novel, I'd tentatively started in early 2007. BUT, the 'journey' wasn't without its 'moments'... 89,300 words of sweat, tears, tantrums and turmoil!

A year later, I hit a brick wall, plot-wise, at 41,000 words. Dispirited, frustrated and doubting I had the stamina to write a novel, I left it for a while.

Around April 2008, I began a second novel that had been pecking to be created for months. It included many of the same characters as my first attempt, but was set some years later. My enthusiasm for this story was boundless... initially.

As the 41,000 word milestone loomed, I began to encounter similar problems... stamina and enthusiasm fading, as I struggled, 'head-poppingly', with plot... again!

In August 2008 my great friend, thriller writer Matt Hilton, suggested I start a blog, post some short stories - I had loads of ideas for them - and get some feedback. So I took an audibly deep breath and took Matt's advice, thinking, But I've only ever shown my writing to me pets n me mum before now...eeek! However, positive feedback spurred me on, keeping the dream alive. Maybe I could write, after all... but could I write a novel?

In a eureka moment, in early 2009 , I decided I could merge the two 'half-novels' together. This was very tricky, but I managed it... well, sort of. Chopping and cutting, re-writing and editing, until I had a mishmash of 70-odd thousand words... but, alas, it still wasn't right.

There was a point where, despite my tenacity and ambition - or because of it? - I had to pull away from it all, as it was becoming too much. But that's when you know who your friends are, right? Many offered encouragement and I'm truly thankful, but there were four in particular, who have been constant throughout, and had more faith in me than I probably had myself... my brother, Dek, Dave Barber, Lee Hughes and Matt Hilton - cheers, lads!

A couple of trusted friends gave me feedback, and liked it (but they would, I hear you say!). By this stage, my confidence was up, due to having successes with numerous short stories accepted for e-zines, plus a few online competition wins, and even bagging slots in three anthologies. However, two other factors, in keeping me upbeat and focussed, were crucial too. The growing success of Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers, whereby I read and edited many top notch stories, and had contact with some really talented writers. Plus, the online writers' group, Writers' News Talkback, where I found, not only encouragement in abundance, but also many genuine friends.
Obviously, the followers and commenters (except the Chinese porn trolls) on this blog have been a Godsend as well.

So, in summary, the writing community within the blogosphere kept me going, and pushed me that extra mile. Well, that, and the fact I'm a stubborn old git! :)

And so, I kept my head down, between work, the kids, and life, rattling the keyboard and, after much turmoil, the result is... proof, to myself more than anyone, that I do have the stamina to complete a novel.

This is sounding like an acceptance speech at the Oscars, and I've done nothing yet! But it's a really big deal, to me, getting to this point, after looking like it was impossible. I have high hopes for this book. I'd say it's a third draft, but in reality it's probably a sixth or seventh draft. No doubt, there'll be more tweaking to do in the future, too.

And, yes, someone is currently reading it... and it's not me mum! Can't say anything yet, in case it goes tits up, but watch this space...

Regards,
Col

Ps. I'm still undecided on the title, so feel free to vote on your favourite, top right.

My fiction debut in print... Even More Tonto Short Stories, publication date announced...

Over at indie publishers, Tonto Books, head honcho, Stuart Wheatman, has been working his butt off, trying to keep his head above water throughout the credit crunch. This has delayed the publication of his latest annual short story collection, Even More Tonto Short Stories - aka EMTSS. However, I'm extremely pleased to announce that the definite date it becomes available to the public is AUGUST 5th 2010.

"So, Col, how did you bag a place in such a coveted anthology?"

"Bit nosey, aren't you? But thanks for asking. I guess, I'll have to tell you then."

"Well, we're not that arsed, really, Col, hearing about your poxy short story."

"Why are you here then? To put one of those Chinese porn links on my site? If I ever catch the bas... And, anyway, it's not 'poxy', you cheeky git. It's got stories from real authors in, not just me."

"Okay then, smartarse, name one."

"Matt Hilton."

"Never heard of him!"

"Alright, how's about crime mystery author, Sally Spedding, or Robert Endeacott... plus, it's edited by Caroline Smailles."

"Okay, then, Mister Big Shot, so how did you get in?" (Yawns, scratches arse.)

"Well, since you're so interested.... Just under a year ago I broke me left wrist and was in plaster up to me elbow. And, yeah, I'm left-handed. A novelist friend, Sheila Quigley, mentioned there was a few days left on Tonto's competition to win a place in their popular anthology. So, one-handed, and one-fingered, I tapped away all day, and just manged to make the deadline.

I awaited the results, and Bob's yer Auntie's live-in lover!"

"Well done, I suppose. Anyway, I need to go n watch some paint dry, so am offski."

"No worries, and thanks for popping by."

"See ya... maybe... 說文解 六國文字/六 ................. !"

"OY!!! What have I told you, mum?"

(Joke, it wasn't me mum, really.)

To find out more about the winning stories - including my 4,000 word short, MOPPING UP, introducing characters from the crime novel I'm currently editing - go here.

Regards,

Col

Interview with new mystery novelist, Michael Robert Gordon...

There's a new novel out in the crime genre: Killer Commute by Michael Robert Gordon...

1) So tell us a bit about Mike Gordon n how you ended up writing.

I'm a married man with four wonderful children and a beautiful wife. I feel like I just wrote the lyrics for the Talking Head's song, Once in a Lifetime. Anyway, I work in sales for a logistics company. My past life includes freedom, stints in the Merchant Marines, construction, painter, and fraud investigations for a bank. Writing has always been a part of my life since childhood. It's something I need to do to maintain any sanity; it's a safe nonaddictive escape from the world.

2) I recall publishing your short last summer on Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers. It featured Detective Mick Doran. Was this his first tentative step into the big wide world?

Actually it was. I appreciated the response from some of the readers, if I remember you felt there could be more stories coming. I'd like to work on a serial.

3) Killer Commute, give us a blurb.

Mick Doran, a hypochondriac is a veteran detective for the MTA, Metropolitan Transit Authority leads an investigation into the deaths of two attorneys. The problem is he has to work with his ex-wives husband. His investigation leads him to a former conductor, Mitchell Richards. The novel utilizes lyrics from REM's Mr. Richards (from their last album) and captures what the average commuter experiences on their ride on the Long Island Rail Road, but there's so much more. Here's a blurb... just to be clear, Reggie Sanders is Mick's new partner and Kevin Elwood is the first victim.

"Don’t be an asshole all the time. Just once try to control yourself.I know it’s difficult for a prick like you. What happened was a long time ago.
"Reggie laughed. "Right, that’s exactly how I feel. What happened was along time ago. You were under a lot of stress back then. Let it rest,water under the bridge and all that. Right? So, what do you say, let’s work together on this case. Is that cool?"
"Sure, sure."
Mick didn’t care what Sanders thought; his main concern was convincing the DA that he should lead the investigation. And yet Mick knew the reasons were purely superficial. Sanders had stolen Mick’s wife—he didn’t want the asshole leading the case.
Mick’s stomach was killing him. He stepped into the aisle and kneeled on the seat next to Elwood, carefully leaned over to move the corpse's head to check the other side. He saw where the cord had cut off the air. There was a small maroon bruise close to the Adam’s apple.
Slowly, Mick rolled the coat sleeve up the left arm and moved his handover Elwood’s cold flesh, carefully inspecting the veins. There was nothing.
"What are you doing?" Sanders asked.
"Pay attention and learn. I’m determining if he was injected with anything. I’m looking for small punctures. Do you remember that unsolved case back in ’88? A victim was found on a train with a needle-mark in his arm, but he was not a drug user. We couldn’t solve it; spent weeks chasing after false leads. Then another victim showed up. Something like this. The train just pulled into the last station and the victims were found DOA. That was a mess. Passengers were scared of sitting next to one another. We had a letter from the killer. He wrote to Newsday saying he wanted to wipe out anyone who looked at him the wrong way. Turns out it was a hoax."
"Don’t remember. Guess that was before my time."
Sanders moved his immense body into the row of seats behind the body.He looked over Elwood’s neck, and made a note in his book. "It looks like the killer came behind and reached down with a cord or something and strangled him. He was an attorney,you know."
"No shit. Anyone with a brain can tell he was an attorney from the case on the rack. What else do you know about him? Married? Where did he work? Does he have partners? Did we check for a cell phone? Hey,what’s that?"
Mick shined the light onto a piece of paper on the darkened floor.
"What?" Sanders asked.
"It’s a punched ticket. Why would that be on the ground?" Mick inspected the one-way peak-time ticket and noticed the distinct diamond-shaped hole punch, but did not pick it up.
"What do you mean?" Sanders asked.
"If it’s a one-way, most conductors keep the ticket. There’s no reason to give it back. Unless it was used as a receipt or a marker on the seat and it fell down. Mick carefully leaned over the victim and picked up the ticket.
"This is interesting, see the hole in the ticket? Every conductor has their own punch. So there’s no confusion if you transfer from one train to another. Where’s the conductor?"
The ticket was to Port Jefferson. Mick placed the ticket in one clear plastic bag and leaned over Kevin Elwood’s stiff leg and picked up a crushed 16-ounce can of Bud and dropped it in another clear plastic bag.
Mick sighed since Reggie hadn’t answered. "Sanders, is the conductor still here?"

4) So how did the publication become reality n enlighten us about Champagne Books.

Publication was the typical series of queries and rejections to agents and publishers. I would say there was an interest in most of them. One agent suggested I rewrite the novel from first to third person. I did. I thought it would be represented, but they still rejected it. I was looking for a press that would publish books not just e-books. If you're a commuter you want to hold a paperback in your palms. Champagne appealed to me and I noticed there were a low percentage of acceptances. This is important since it tells the writer this publisher is serious about their projects. There are a lot of e-book publishers that will accept your work quickly so be wary of those. I’ve been very happy with the support from the writers and the staff from Champagne, especially the editorial work Cyndi Davis provided. She pulled this book into shape.

5) Any tips, or advice, for aspiring novelists?

Write. Write more often than before. Set time aside each day, you can do it. Learn from your mistakes, make writing a craft, and write more often, but write. Share your work. Believe in yourself. It’s a lonely gig and no one is going to make you write except you. Don't assume you need a quiet place. Killer Commute was written on the train, since I have little time to write. The hour and half each way is a blessing. Be the master of your destiny, I heard that before, but it’s true. We have this gift each day to create a day and fill it with life and what we want. Set a reasonable deadline; write a novel in three weeks. Bang the keys like a maniac. Find a writers group. Do not pay to have your work read or represented or published. There are too many predators that will suck the life and money out of you. If anyone requests a fee, tell them to go fuck themselves.

6) So what's next for Mike Gordon - retirement, putting yer feet up?

Now it's promo time, getting the book out there and trying to line up interviews, reviews, and meet some interesting readers and write whenever and where ever I can.

Cheers, Mike, and good luck with the novel.

Suspense/Mystery novel, Killer Commute, will be published by
Champagne Books July 5th 2010.

To find out more visit him at his blog, http://trainwriter.blogspot.com/ or at http://champagnebooks.com/

(Photo, copyright of Emma Tess Gordon. Cover art, copyright of Trisha Fitzgerald.)

Sod the footy... Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers is back!

After a much-needed hiatus, and all round rethink, I'm thrilled to announce that Thrillers, Killers 'n' Chillers is back, and open for submissions from July 1st onwards.
Click on the title above to reveal more, including a revamp(ire) of the site, new submission guidelines, plus a welcome surprise!
Regards,
Col
Ps. Please feel free to spread the word.

Pleeease - no more penalties...

"Come on England!" (FF's sake!).

Hi chaps n chapettes,
I will soon be providing updates regarding my hiatus, but am not quite ready yet. However, I couldn't resist a football post - which one could argue is both 'crime' n 'fiction'.

I'm sure most of you are aware that the Football World Cup is well underway in South Africa. England, to coin an apt cliche, have flattered to deceive so far, drawing two of their group games to leave a must-win fixture versus the mighty Slovenia on Wednesday. Maybe we could say the 1-1 draw with the US was our way of maintaining that, somewhat strained, 'Special Relationship' (told you I'd include fiction). But the draw against Algeria was a bridge too fookin far! I made a bold prediction before the match: let's just say I got Algeria's nil correct n leave it at that.

Coupled with the naff performances n players speaking out against the manager's questionable tactics, our camp is in disarray. But I suppose it could be worse, looking at the French squad who imploded n sent a player home which, incidentally, is where they're all heading now (au revoir - he,he!). Poetic justice, I feel, after them cheating v the Irish in the qualifiers.

The passion for the England side is still massively strong over here, with red n white Saint George's flags hanging out of windows on every street, flying on many cars, and no doubt the pubs will be full again for the next game. If our over-paid players could just put their over-inflated egos to one side n just play the game - we bloody invented - at their optimum levels then we'd easily brush aside the Slovenians. Alas, the pressure is akin to a bubbling volcano, as the notorious English press are circling for the kill, so ...sod it ...2-1 England! (more fiction?).

You heard it here first (gulp).

Oh, n the 'crime' bit... well, if we lose n go out it would be a heinous crime committed by our multi-millionaire players against all true England fans.

So FF's sake... "COME ON ENGLAND!"

Catch y'all soon,
Col