Wednesday, 4 January 2012

WRITING JOKES #1... wanna join in?

I thought I'd start the new year with a bit of fun in this (hopefully) new feature...


Please feel free to contribute in the comments section. I'd prefer one-liners, but would stretch at two,  the punchier the better. Anything around books, reading, writing, authors, stories, crime fiction - even tenuous links - will suffice. So, if you think of one, or hear a good un, you know where to come to spread the fun!


Here's me first batch for starters...


I've put everything I know into this novel... it's turned into a short story.


A row of books just hit me on the head... I've only got my-shelf to blame.


Been reading this book called 'The History of Glue'... I just couldn't put it down.


To celebrate my publication, the wife treated me to a candlelit meal... for some reason it was under-cooked.


Was gonna read this book I bought about improving your memory... but couldn't find it.


I'll get me coat...


Can YOU do better...? If not, no worries, just pick yer fave! :-)


But make me laugh 'n' I'll open the feature out to guest posts of YOUR writing jokes.


Ps. Thanks must go to 'King of the one-liners', Tim Vine, whose DVD I got for Christmas and inspired this.

31 comments:

David Barber said...

Ah well, I'm no stranger to scraping the barrel. ;-)

I've just finished my first novel and it took me 6 years. I might start reading another one tomorrow!!

Col Bury said...

Way-heeey! We have a taker... knew I could rely on you, Dave!

Not bad, made me grin. :-)

jo said...

Just started reading "The Man with the Twisted Lip" by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Graceland wasn't mentioned once.

Anthony Cowin said...

When I told my wife I'd given up my job to be a poet she said she'd help get started. She called me a merchant banker.

Sue H said...

I had trouble downloading a copy of ‘Lavatorial Humour’ onto my Kindle - the writing’s on the wall.

Got a large print edition of an Agatha Christie from the library – it’s a big mystery.

I knew my book had been hash-tagged – there were bits of corned beef stuck to the pages.

Charlie Wade said...

I hinted for my wife to buy me a book on fishing, but she didn't take the bait.

Sue H said...

The local Hell's Angels book-group have expanded - they've just started a new chapter.

Col Bury said...

Jo,
Thanks for contributing. Subtle. :-)

Toe,
Very snarky (we married to the same woman?).

Sue,
Smiled throughout yours. All good. :-)

Charlie,
I chuckled. Daft sense of humour, like me. My fave so far...

Brilliant, folks! Keep it up (no pun intended).

Sue H said...

Got this book – ‘Kindling for beginners’ – still don’t understand why you need dried twigs, just wanted to know how to switch the damn thing on!

Col Bury said...

Sue, yer on a roll... very droll! :-)

maybepoet said...

Every time a website asks me to provide a profile pic I'm torn between using The Queen and Alfred Hitchcock.

maybepoet said...

As a writer I approach rejection in the same way as I do with women - 2 days of drinking, one day of crying and several hours of self-flagellation. Doesn't help, but it fills the time.

maybepoet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
maybepoet said...

If anyone asks me to recommend a good book I say "When I write it you'll the first to know".

maybepoet said...

When someone asks me to describe my book in six words I say 'I can't. I've already used them in my Novel.

Col Bury said...

MP,
Nice to see you over here. Good stuff, especially the profile pic one! :-)

Sue H said...

I found a book about chickens going cheap on Amazon.....

Liam Sweeny said...

I just wrote a detailed biography. So who's publishing flash fiction right now?

Sue H said...

Vampire fiction - what a pain in the neck!

Sue H said...

I asked Alan Titchmarsh for gardening tips about composting - he said 'Take a leaf out of my book...'

Sue H said...

Political manifestos - surely where fact meets fiction?

Col Bury said...

Liam,
Great to have you joining the fray! Nice one. :-)

Sue, oh, relentless, Sue! Me silly SOH prefers the vampire one! :-)

Enjoying this.

Katherine Tomlinson said...

These are hilarious. I'll just buy the t-shirts because words fail me. (Wait: Words fail me ... there's a joke there, I know it.)

Sue H said...

Last one from me (for now, anyway) - and let's have a bit of 'culture' :

The Wife of Bath had a shock when she teamed up with Chaucer - she misread it as 'Canterbury Ales' & thought they were on a pub-crawl!

Col Bury said...

Katherine, no worries. Glad you enjoyed everyone's jokes. Maybe next time for you, eh? I'll leave you to play with those words. :-)

Sue, Wondered how long it would for dirty, filthy beer to rear its ugly head! :-)

Luca Veste said...

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

Col Bury said...

Luca, like that one mate. One of me faves! :-)

Patsy said...

i cant be bothered with punctuation as i just cant see the point

Paul Grzegorzek said...

Taking the easy route by E-publishing? Spineless.

L said...

Took me ages to get the profile pic one!

Col Bury said...

Patsy - :-)

Paul - got it on the second read. Good one.

L - Me too. Welcome.